


someone to care

by galixie



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: M/M, based off real experiences, emotional support chanlix, how i wish things would have gone though, not fluffy or romantic, sometimes its easier to voice your experiences through someone else, straight from the heart and authentic i guess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-02
Updated: 2020-01-02
Packaged: 2021-02-27 11:55:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 779
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22076560
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/galixie/pseuds/galixie
Summary: he didn’t really notice the tears until the drops were leaving small spots on his pants. the stress had gotten to him in ways it hadn’t before.or, felix is starting to doubt himself in more ways than one
Relationships: Bang Chan/Lee Felix
Kudos: 76





	someone to care

**Author's Note:**

> guess who's back??
> 
> it's been a while since i've written pretty much anything that isn't a college application or school essay, but it's nice to be back writing just to get things out. i missed it!
> 
> as stated in the tags, this is pretty heavily based off real things that happen to me as a dancer. everything felix goes through is something that i go through almost daily, but the story follows more of a "how i wish people had reacted" kind of path. i didn't really mean to project so much of myself onto him, but vent pieces are one of the few ways i can heal sometimes.

felix hadn’t really noticed the time passing. 9pm soon turned into 10:30, which turned into 11:45 in the blink of an eye. it wasn’t until around 1:15 that the unrelenting chiming of his phone rattled him out of the thread of choreography he was working on. picking up his phone from the stereo, he saw a string of messages from the group and a few missed calls.

_ fuck. _

he hadn’t told anyone he was staying late to work on this routine. he knows he’ll get a lecture laced with pity and concern that he had been working so late, but felix couldn’t bring himself to care. 

dropping his phone back onto the surface with a dull  _ thud _ , felix leaned back against the wall, sliding down slowly until he crumpled in on himself. he was exhausted. utterly drained of any energy that could have been salvaged if he were standing, but he couldn’t stay up. not anymore.

he didn’t really notice the tears until the drops were leaving small spots on his pants. the stress had gotten to him in ways it hadn’t before. he had been working on that routine for hours and still couldn’t get it. the steps made sense when he thought about them, but when he tried to set them to music, he still tripped over his own feet. metronome, slowed down music, following the videos hyunjin had sent him, nothing helped. he felt like a failure, like an imposter, like he didn’t deserve to be in that routine in the first place.

he didn’t know how long he had been on the ground, heaving breaths in and out between sobs, but he eventually heard the door click open and footsteps quickly approaching. he didn’t bother to look up, not even when a pair of arms wrapped around his shoulders, pulling him close to them. he leaned into the embrace, burying his head into the unknown person’s chest. after his breathing had become even and less shaky, the person lifted felix gently by the shoulders so he was looking them in the eyes. but those eyes weren’t pitying, they were filled with worry.

“lixie, look at me.”

felix should have known it would be chan to come to check on him. he always worried when anyone was working late, and felix had been doing it more often than usual. he avoided chan’s gaze, averting his attention to fidgeting with the laces on his shoes, shaking his head.

“lix, please. talk to me,” chan pleaded, searching the younger’s face for any sign of recognition. the younger shifted uncomfortably, trying to back away.

“i can’t do it, i’m not cut out for this,” felix choked on another sob, sinking lower into the ground.

it broke chan’s heart to see felix like this. his normal ray of sunshine attitude was much dimmer, much more somber, and he felt helpless to stop it.

“no, no, don’t cry,” chan spoke softly, wiping the tears away with his thumbs, “you surely can, lix, i know you can.”

the smaller shook his head violently in protest, pushing away from chan and closer to the wall once more.

felix couldn’t put into words how he was feeling, so they all fell out, unorganized and unfiltered.

“i’m a f-fucking failure, hyung. i can’t do the simplest choreography after hours of rehearsals on my own. i c-can’t keep up with everyone else, i just can’t. i’m holding everyone back, and that’s the truth,” he sniffed, not looking towards chan, “you guys are better off w-without me holding you back, you don’t need me, i’m a bur—”

felix was cut off by chan wrapping his arms around him once again, holding him close.

“don’t say it. just, don’t,” chan breathed, “you’ll never be a failure, and you’ll never be a burden. not to them, and certainly not to me.”

as much as he wished it was that easy to be comforted, felix couldn’t help but reject what chan was telling him. in his mind, he was expendable for the sole reason of not knowing the choreography. he noticed the looks he got from the others when he missed a step in practices, noticed the exasperated sighs when everything paused so he could ask a question. the others weren’t good at hiding it, and felix couldn’t fake not noticing any longer.

so he didn’t.

he sat in chan’s arms for a little while longer, trying in vain to bury the thoughts deep down, but they would always be there, no matter how many times chan would try to coax them away. but it helped that someone noticed.

no, it helped that someone  _ cared _ to notice.

**Author's Note:**

> kind of a downer of an end, i know, but writing this piece helped me come to terms with how i was feeling, and who knows? maybe it helped some people with their own doubts. i'm really fortunate to have a chan in my life that although they may not be able to be there physically, can be there emotionally to support me, and i have them to thank for being such a heavy inspiration for chan in this story.
> 
> as always, feel free to talk to me about my fics on [twitter](https://twitter.com/gaIixie), and thanks for reading! <3


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